A man was ambling through a crowded street fair when he found himself at a psychic's table. Said the psychic: "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." The man agreed.
     The psychic took one look at his open palm and said, "I see that you have no girlfriend."
     "That's true," said the man.
     "Indeed," the psychic continued, "you're very lonely, aren't you?"
     "Yes," he admitted shamefully. Then he asked, "You can tell all this from my love line?"
     "No," replied the psychic, "from your callouses."

     Question: What do you get when you cross lingerie with a shoe part?
     Answer: A slip of the tongue.

     A family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew showed up and started building a house on it. The six-year-old daughter took an interest in the building activity and started talking with the workers, and eventually the crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They let her sit with them for coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little tasks to do to make her feel important.
     At the end of the first week, the workers surprised the little girl with a pay envelope containing a check for one dollar. She brought it home to her mother, who suggested they take it to the bank to start a savings account.
     When they got there, the teller was impressed and asked the child how she had earned her very own paycheck at such a young age.
     The girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction crew building a house all week."
     "My goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week?"
     The girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-of-bitches at the lumberyard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit."

     A man went to a psychic, who looked into her crystal ball and said, "I see that you are the father of two children."
     "That's what you think!" said the man, "I'm the father of three children!"
     The psychic shot back, "That's what you think!"

     A young man entered a Cincinnati hospital for some minor surgery and a short stay. After the operation, a matronly nurse bustled into his room carrying a tray. "I brought you some nice chicken soup," she said as she sat the tray down.
     "Bring me something else, please," said the young man. "I'm a vegetarian."
     "I'm sorry, sir," replied the nurse as she put her hands on hips, "but this is what the doctor ordered for you. I'm afraid it's chicken soup for supper or nothing."
     "Then take it away," said the patient, "I'll eat when I get home in the morning." The nurse shot him a disapproving look, then picked up the tray and carried it out of the room.
     That night, the same nurse entered the man's room and against his protests gave him an enema that was actually meant for the patient across the hall.
     The following morning, as the man's friends drove him home, they asked him how the operation went. "The surgery wasn't so bad," replied the man. "But the nurses in that place are determined to feed you chicken soup one way or the other!"

     Question: Why did the psychic give up fortune telling?
     Answer: He saw no future in it.

     Famous last words: "What duck?"